The Skunk Blog

The Skunk is recently single, so I thought about trying this online dating thing.  So I have been thinking about what I would say in an Internet dating profile… this is what I came up with:

About Me:

Hi there.  Thanks for checking me out.  I’m new to this whole on-line dating thing, so I’ll try my best to tell you about myself.  I’m 32 years old…reasonably attractive.  I come from a broken home.  My mother was a French prostitute, and my father could be any one of 600 tricks between September and October of 1976.  My youth was fairly uneventful.  I spent the long summer days outside of the home while my mother worked.  I often ran cigarettes and packages for a local Italian business man.  Mr. Don took me under his wing and treated me like a son.  He was quite fond of my mother, and told me there was a 1/600 chance he was actually my father.  Mr. Don gave me my first handgun at age 6, and my first automatic weapon at age 10.  Personally I hate guns; I prefer blades as they make the experience more personal.  Anyways, in my teenage years I leveraged my connection with Mr. Don to become very successful.  I left school in the 8^th grade to peruse my dream of becoming a pimp.  Within one year I had 15 whores working full-time for me, with another 6 in training.  I had many high profile clients such as lawyers, judges, and even the mayor!  By the age of 16 I decided I would move on to more lucrative jobs, and quickly got into the import/export business.  For about two years I travelled through Eastern Europe recruiting former Soviet Bloc women to come to the states and work for me.  Eventually I turned these women into whores, and made great gains in my pimping business.  I also discovered that drugs could also be very profitable.  I then travelled through Asia and made strategic connections in heroin production.  I then worked with Mr. Don to make my import/export business more successful.  By the age of 20 I had grossed nearly 20 million dollars.  My mother was very proud of me.  She often told me I was the most talent pimp and hustler she had ever seen.   At 21 I went west to Vegas.  Within 1 month I had successfully gambled away all the money I had made.  Being a resourceful young man, I decided to sell myself on the street.  Not only was I a working man, but I was also my own pimp.  These times were very fun!  I met a ton of celebrities and Hollywood people.   One such man recruited me to move to Los Angeles to work for him.  He said I had major sex appeal!  Eventually I was in motion pictures!  That’s right, I was a Movie Star!!  It all happened so quickly.  I was in such films as “Saving Ryan’s Privates”, “The Do Good Boys” and “The O Face”.  To make a long story short, I eventually got burned out in the movie business, and decided to move here to Ohio.   And here I am, now looking for love on the Internet!  Wow, how things have changed!!

My Likes:

Wow, this is a hard one!  Well, I like any number of things.  Of course I love women!!  I love a woman who has no self respect.  The type of woman that will let you fuck them in the ass on the first date, and never expects a call.  I also love the outdoors!  I also love drugs, drinking, and gambling.  I’m also a big fan of porn!  I also like a woman that can lick their own nipples…sooooo hot!  If you can do that, please e-mail me NOW!!! 

My Music Taste:

Well, like most people I like a variety of music.  I’m a fan of U2, Floyd, Lady Gaga and Prince!

Movies:

Casino, The Godfather I & II, Heat, Boys from Brazil, and Boogie Nights.  Also, anything XXX

Books:

Reading is hard!

My Dislikes:

Rehab!  Seriously, rehab is for people who can’t control themselves!  I also don’t like women who don’t put out.  If you don’t want to fuck, then don’t contact me!!!  Also, hate a woman who won’t suck my cock…really… it’s 2010 baby, you want your pussy licked, well I want my cock sucked.  And to that point, I dislike teeth!  If you use teeth to give a BJ, then move along!  I also hate stink pussy.  If you can smell your pussy from 5 feet away please don’t contact me. 

My Hobbies:

Well, I really like to hike and watch movies.  I also like to make my own XXX movies…call it a hobby if you must…it’s more of a passion for me.  I also like to masturbate and watch porn as much as possible.

My Ideal Match:

This is a real hard question, so I’ll do my best.  36-24-36!  Hair color and race are unimportant, although women of color step to the front of the line.  I would prefer my mate to be STD free, although this is negotiable.  My ideal mate will have a job or at least a nice rack!  She would be open minded, and have a deep appreciation for the arts, most notably the art of pole dancing. 

My idea for a first date:

Wow, the first date.  Where to begin…  Well, of course I want to get a chance to talk, and hang out.  Possibly we could meet for dinner.  After we have got through the bullshit small talk I see us making our way to a local watering hole.  Then I see us drinking.  If you are cute I may roofie you, then off to my place.  If you’re ugly, I will probably drink until you’re cute, and then back to your place.  At the end of the night I will give you a pearl necklace and a bad phone number.  In all seriousness, I may actually give you my number…but don’t count on it!

Final Thoughts:

Call me!

-The Skunk!